Feeling a little better
So, I know I have not been the most positive person in the world lately and I am sorry. For me I just have to get things out, even though blogging didn't help me out much. Sometimes I fall into a funk and I have to fight my way back out of it. I am not fully out of it but I am only waist deep instead of the funk being 10 feet over my head. I was worrying about my grandma, I was extremely extremely lonely (more than ever before), I thought I was not going to graduate when I was supposed to, I wasn't happy with me, and so much more. Now I can move on from my grandma, I am graduating in the Spring, and I still feel lonely but not as bad as before. I just had to get used to the newness going on and I think I am getting over it and accepting the changes that happened and will continue to happen. I believe after I graduate I will be much happier, you will see a different person.
School has always been a HUGE stress for me. Constantly worrying about grades and if I am taking the correct classes and when my graduation date was. Graduating will take my stress level down 1000 points! I am excited to find a job and start working so I can have money and get rid of my credit card debt, I know it wont totally be gone but it will be way way down. I know I wont have unlimited funds but I will have much more than I do now. I want to be able to support myself and not have to rely on mommy and daddy anymore. I am going into that with no school loans and I am getting $10,000, from money left to my dad when my grandma died, to put away until I want to buy property. I feel really lucky because of that. I think I will be living on my own as well which I am totally into. I may feel a little lonely but I know I have people to go to and who will come over to me too.
I now need to focus on myself. I have neglected myself for so long and thought so much about others that I lost track of me. I gained an ungodly amount of weight, I didn't say the things that came to head, and I just let everyone use me as a puppet. I realized this little by little and I just had no motivation to do anything about it. Until I was out with my friend and she completely ignored me for a guy by turning her back to me. I should have left but I didn't. I think it is sad it took me about 1.5 years to realize she did that a lot and I was not going to take it from anyone anymore. I am worth more than that. The other day was the first time in awhile I allowed myself to go out and just be me. I didn't care what anyone thought, I was just being silly old me. I wasn't aware I was going to experience something bigger with one of my roommates.
He treated me like shit run over twice. He pointed out every flaw I had, called me names, told me he didn't want anything to do with me again, and anything else you can think of. This all came out of no where, I had no clue he felt like he did. Usually I would have said I was sorry and tried to make amends right away but this time was different. My whole life I was treated this way by so called best friends and it was about time I snapped. I screamed at him because he called me a name looking me in the eye and said some things to my face that were uncalled for. I had to stand up for myself, and I did. I eventually remove myself from the room so I wouldn't tackle him and beat the shit out of him. Then I accepted that he was no longer my friend. I ignored him completely, it was like he was invisible. I was so surprised I wasn't upset about that and that I was strong enough to just write him off. He eventually said he was sorry and we all went out to dinner and talked about the events. I told him almost all of my thoughts and we are ok now. No longer best buds but we are civil. I don't know if we ever will be like we were before. Actually, now that I think about it, if he felt the way he did as long as I think he did we were never as good of friends and I thought we were; awww thats sad...oh well. The trust is gone. I cant help but think I am being judged or I cant talk to him about something. Its ok though I have 3 others I can tell absolutely anything to and thats all I need.
I now need to get my weight off. I started dancing again and I love it! Even with the shin splints. I am going to find a kick boxing class somewhere and take it or I could find a place at home to do my turbo jam. I am sick of feeling the way I do. I have my start, I know I still have more to go....and thats ok.
School has always been a HUGE stress for me. Constantly worrying about grades and if I am taking the correct classes and when my graduation date was. Graduating will take my stress level down 1000 points! I am excited to find a job and start working so I can have money and get rid of my credit card debt, I know it wont totally be gone but it will be way way down. I know I wont have unlimited funds but I will have much more than I do now. I want to be able to support myself and not have to rely on mommy and daddy anymore. I am going into that with no school loans and I am getting $10,000, from money left to my dad when my grandma died, to put away until I want to buy property. I feel really lucky because of that. I think I will be living on my own as well which I am totally into. I may feel a little lonely but I know I have people to go to and who will come over to me too.
I now need to focus on myself. I have neglected myself for so long and thought so much about others that I lost track of me. I gained an ungodly amount of weight, I didn't say the things that came to head, and I just let everyone use me as a puppet. I realized this little by little and I just had no motivation to do anything about it. Until I was out with my friend and she completely ignored me for a guy by turning her back to me. I should have left but I didn't. I think it is sad it took me about 1.5 years to realize she did that a lot and I was not going to take it from anyone anymore. I am worth more than that. The other day was the first time in awhile I allowed myself to go out and just be me. I didn't care what anyone thought, I was just being silly old me. I wasn't aware I was going to experience something bigger with one of my roommates.
He treated me like shit run over twice. He pointed out every flaw I had, called me names, told me he didn't want anything to do with me again, and anything else you can think of. This all came out of no where, I had no clue he felt like he did. Usually I would have said I was sorry and tried to make amends right away but this time was different. My whole life I was treated this way by so called best friends and it was about time I snapped. I screamed at him because he called me a name looking me in the eye and said some things to my face that were uncalled for. I had to stand up for myself, and I did. I eventually remove myself from the room so I wouldn't tackle him and beat the shit out of him. Then I accepted that he was no longer my friend. I ignored him completely, it was like he was invisible. I was so surprised I wasn't upset about that and that I was strong enough to just write him off. He eventually said he was sorry and we all went out to dinner and talked about the events. I told him almost all of my thoughts and we are ok now. No longer best buds but we are civil. I don't know if we ever will be like we were before. Actually, now that I think about it, if he felt the way he did as long as I think he did we were never as good of friends and I thought we were; awww thats sad...oh well. The trust is gone. I cant help but think I am being judged or I cant talk to him about something. Its ok though I have 3 others I can tell absolutely anything to and thats all I need.
I now need to get my weight off. I started dancing again and I love it! Even with the shin splints. I am going to find a kick boxing class somewhere and take it or I could find a place at home to do my turbo jam. I am sick of feeling the way I do. I have my start, I know I still have more to go....and thats ok.
posted by fashionista-ashley at 12:09 PM
1 comments
